In what we hope will be a regular feature here, the women of Not Another Hockey Blog take a sampling of reader questions from our mailbag* and offer our best advice on the most pressing hockey fan problems of the day.
My team isn’t making the playoffs. What should I do?
~Sad Panda, Gary, IN
Lily L: Insert the obligatory ‘Stop rooting for Team X’ joke here.
Becky D: Go Leafs Go! … wait, the Leafs didn’t make the playoffs this year? Are they still having the parade? Because I already staked out my corner and paid some dude fifty bucks to hold it for me.
Karen M: Choose another team to root for! For example, Columbus fans might chose the team they think their Captain will win a Stanley Cup with next season. Leafs fans can also choose a team but, really, why bother? You’re cursed and whatever team you pick will inevitably let you down anyway.
Becky D: Hey! As a Leaf fan, I take offense to that unfair statement of… oh who the heck am I kidding, how are the Jays doing?
I’m afraid my team is going to be eliminated in the first round. I don’t think I can stand watching other teams win, so what should I do with the extra time?
~Howling at the Desert Moon, Phoenix, AZ
Lily L: I’m pretty sure the IIHF Championships are scheduled at this time just for fans like you.
Karen M: This is the perfect opportunity to learn French so you can read all the local news about them next season.
I’ve never done this before! How should fans prepare for the playoffs?
~ Cat Man Do, Sunrise, FL
Lily L: Stake out the best seat on the couch/in the den/at the nearest sports bar and be prepared to fight dirty in order to keep it.
Becky D: Remove all breakable items from your living room and install prison bars over your television screen, just in case.
Karen M: be sure to rest up and drink lots of fluids. You’ll need to be sure you have the energy to work up the appropriate level of righteous indignation at the dirty play of the opposing team & it’s horrible fans.
I’m going to a playoff game and want to bring a sign for warm-ups, what should it say?
~Mrs. Tyler Seguin, Beantown, MA
Karen M: Ladies, when attending Bruins games I suggest sexually suggestive signs so Tyler Seguin will notice you…. Just don’t be surprised by the way he slowly backs away from the glass & has his lawyer serve you with a restraining order at the first intermission.
Becky D: It depends on if you’re painting the words on a placard or your bare skin, because if it’s your skin, I think “Future Mrs. Tyler Seguin” should suffice. It’s worked before, right?
Pens/Flyers. How can I prepare for this epic showdown?
~Stressing in State College, PA
Lily L: I suppose it depends. Are you a fan of either of these teams? If yes, then I suggest watching with your finger poised directly over a button to change the channel so you’ll have a chance to avoid watching your favorite player get murdered. If no, then you can just sit back and think about how, whatever/whoever your own team is facing, it could always be worse.
Sam K: Do you live in Pennsylvania and like either team? If the answer is yes and no, hide. if the answer is yes and yes, display more common sense and don’t tag yourself on Facebook when the series is finished. If it’s no and yes, get something non-breakable to throw at the wall. No and no? Lean back and enjoy the show, it’ll be epic.
Karen M: Be sure to have a healthy supply of popcorn for television viewing. If you’re attending the game, then you are advised to bring bandages, gauze, a baseline testing kit and riot gear. Those in the first few rows should consider wearing a rain poncho like you are attending a Gallagher show. Only instead of a watermelon splatter it’ll be, you know, brain matter.
My fiancé wants to schedule a dinner with his parents for a night in May but I don’t know if my team will be playing that night? What should I do?
~ Glad I Scheduled the Wedding for July, Los Angeles, CA
Lily L: Check and see if his parents have both a high definition television and a decent cable package. If they do, then hey, maybe this won’t be so bad after all!
Becky D: Make up an elaborate excuse about having to leave the country for two months on a business trip, then go to the post office to have your mail forwarded just to really sell the story. It would help to unplug your home phone and turn off your cell phone, taking the battery out if necessary if you’re afraid someone might try to GPS track you to see if you’re lying. Then sit back and enjoy! Oh, and if your “business trip” is in a country with actual sunshine? Make sure you schedule a visit to the tanning salon before you “get home,” just in case.
Sam K: What do you mean, your fiancé isn’t understanding of hockey? Does not compute. You must be a very generous person… Be that as it may, show up in your favourite jersey and bring pretzels; if they love you they’ll let you go.
Karen M: I don’t advise skipping playoff games to do things like ‘be social’ or ‘spend time with family’. You’ll regret it next November when there are no new games.
Ugh. I’m completely disgusted by my friend’s life choices. She’s rooting for the absolute dirtiest team in the playoffs! How can she even do that? ~ Facepalming Friend in Munich, Germany
Sam K: Rational choice theory teaches us that individuals generally choose the best actions in terms of unchangeable and stable inherent preferences and constrains facing them. *pause* That being said, unchangeable and stable inherent preferences only apply to an individual and what may appear rational to your friend is not necessarily rational to you and vice versa…so where does rationality stop and irrationality start in the space between you two? In less lofty words, this is an excellent opportunity to practice your social skills and respect your friend’s choices even if you don’t agree with them.
Becky D:: Woah, what was the question again? I totally got lost questioning the state of my own existence.
Karen M: You should always feel morally superior as a fan of your team because your team doesn’t have a an alcoholic, a dude who cheats on his spouse, severely injured another player, beat up cabbie, accidentally killed a guy, etc. And/Or your fans haven’t gotten wasted & beat up opposing fans, committed property damage on a church or nearly destroyed their city after losing in the Stanley Cup finals. You should also never suffer cognitive dissonance because your team isn’t squeaky clean.
I love twitter, but sometimes it’s annoying on game nights. Any tips for making it less so?
~Keyboard Kitty, Calgary, CA
Lily L: Twitter? … oh, right. I have one of those, don’t I? *quietly goes off to try and remember login password*
Karen M: Try using the word filtering options in your Twitter client to make the experience more enjoyable. Suggested words & phrases include: classy, cheap-shot, shooooot, FREE HOCKEY and Milbury.
And while we are on the subject of twitter dear readers, listen closely, because the following is very important:
If you are very sensitive about your team, don’t use twitter during the playoffs.
You are still using it.
Ok, fine, but at least unfollow noted trolls/loveably sarcastic bastards like @twolinepass.
Alright fine, keep following. But then for the love of all that is holy don’t tweet your displeasure at him and-
Stop! What are you doing?!?
Enjoy the playoffs!!!!
*Mailbag? Readers? Isn’t this a brand new blog?